It seems like from the moment we got married, the only question I get is "when are you having kids?" It literally smacks me in the face everytime I hear it or when someone asks me if I have children. I feel like I have accomplished more than a lot of peers, but they still have more than me. Everyone wants to give us advice; wait to have kids. That's all I hear, but it doesn't fill the void I feel and the deep desire I have to become a mother. I understand that our families want the best for us, but when it comes down to it, it's our decision and choice.
I have a bachelor's degree, but a must in my life is a master's degree in counseling. Steven is only a couple of units away from an associate's degree. Steven plans to finish school in the next couple of years. Finishing up school for the both of us, and Steven's questionable career with the military makes it so challenging to imagine when I can fufill my dream of becoming a mother.
I've come to hate converstations about having kids. It's a constant reminder of what I don't have. It's hard to put on a happy face when I'm so crushed inside. I'm jealous. It's always around me. Steven and I and one other couple, are the only ones who are married without children at his work. It's awkward to hang out with people who have kids because it's like we don't have anything in common. All I have is a cat, and that's not a child. No one really wants to hang out with us because we don't have kids. We don't go to kids birthday parties or have play dates. They want nothing to do with us.
My heart and brain don't understand each other. My heart longs to be a mother and my brain knows that I need all my ducks in a row. We need to finish school, buy a house, get new cars to hold a child, and enjoy our time together. I love Steven with all of my heart, and nothing would make me happier than creating something from our love for each other. Steven with children warms my heart. It makes me wondering and hope he'll be just as wonderful with our kids.
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